Alice Cappele

[Tymoty]

Tak tuhle jsem si všiml článku a prolétl ho: https://www.seznamzpravy.cz/clanek/nazo ... iva-239327. Je to o tom, že místo, aby se to napsalo, dělá se z toho video. A vlastně už předtím jsem dostal tenhle link na Alici Kapelu: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O25dnNK4T4g. Už podruhé na to zkouším koukat a vydržím do 6:43 ze 14:55. Pak mi to nedá a vydagdaggouuji si onlajnový stahovač titulků z Jútub: https://downsub.com. Dostávám tohle:

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This story sponsored by Squarespace.

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Is it more meaningful to you

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when you receive a note, a text or a special email

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without any reason from your loved one when you to hug?

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Is it more meaningful

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when you get to spend unlimited time with your partner,

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or is it more meaningful when your partner

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does something practical to help out?

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These are the questions that you'll find

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in the Five Love Languages test.

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I did it online. It's available. It's free.

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The test is inspired by Dr Chapman’s bestseller,

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which has the same name

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before becoming a bestselling author,

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Chapman advised couples, families

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in the Baptist Church he belonged to.

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The life stories, the anecdotes he collected served as a basis

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to write his book to five love languages.

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His goal with the book was to help couple

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improve the quality of their relationship

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by better understanding

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what is their respective love languages:

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words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts,

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acts of services or touch.

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Chapman says that his book helped

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save thousands of relationships, marriages,

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and it makes sense in a way.

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The book encourages partners

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to talk about their problems,

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talk about their frustrations

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and potentially find solutions.

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So that's all good you know.

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I mean, it's worked so well that Chapman came up

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with new versions of the same concept,

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adapted for apologies, work,

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anger, for the family, friendships, and even the military.

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But you know me, my haters know it very well,

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i can’t enjoy anything,

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i have to find something wrong about every single thing.

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I mean, have you heard about this condition?

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I was told it's called critical thinking.

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Yes, i have a lot of things to say about the five love languages,

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how they came to be, their shortcomings,

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and how their popularity

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is representative of a very annoying trend,

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a very annoying tendency

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to depoliticize

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social realities, social problems

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into psychological problems.

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But before we get to the nitty gritty of it,

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I would like to understand

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why Chapman came up with such a concept.

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Why did he feel the need to write the five Love languages?

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Now you have to remember that

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Chapman is a member of a Baptist church,

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he was in charge of counseling

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people over their life problems,

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relationships problems, marriage problems,

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and that is a feature that is quite common

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as most religion, most religious institutions.

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As an example,

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if a religious couple's marriage isn't working very well,

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it is very common to go and see the pastor, the priest,

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the imam, the rabbi, and,

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you know, see guidance, ask for advice.

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The institution of the church,

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no matter the religion, has historically been

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an institution of control, of regulation.

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I mean, go ask my dad,

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he's over there actually,

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a very naughty kid

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who was traumatized by the confessional sessions,

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you know, where

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he had to say to the priest

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all the wrong things he had done,

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including lying to the very same priest

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during the previous session.

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He got traumatized by that

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because he thought he would go to hell.

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In fact, a lot of people like YouTube superstar

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Johnny Harris chose to leave religious institutions

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because of that,

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and others less numerous

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go to religious institutions

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because they want to have that sort of guidance,

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they want to have this sort of imposed discipline.

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Now, the goal of the religious institution

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is also to ensure the cohesion of the community.

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That's why kids have to go to the confessional.

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That's why

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marriage problems have to be resolved at all costs.

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In fact, in his book,

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Chapman talks about the woman

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who came into his office

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frustrated that her husband

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had been procrastinating on painting the bedroom.

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Dr.

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Chapman suggested, quote:

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“The next time your husband does anything good,

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give him a verbal compliment.

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If he takes the garbage out, say, quote: ‘Dan

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I want you to know that I really appreciate

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your taking the garbage out’ ”

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end of the quote.

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Three weeks later,

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she returned to the office super happy because

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the plan had worked out.

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Chapman made her realize that her husband's love

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language is words of affirmation.

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But this is a bit weird, isn't it?

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I mean, going above and beyond to thank your husband

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for having put the garbage out.

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Like, do you agree that putting the garbage out

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is a normal thing to do for an adult person?

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You see, that's where I started to wonder,

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who is Chapman targeting with this book?

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Why are all the people talking about the book,

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commenting about the book, saying how it changed their lives?

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Women.

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In fact, when I was researching for this video,

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I kept on thinking about another book

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that I found

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when I was researching for my

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book, also written by a religious couple,

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the Lahaye couple.

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In 1976,

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Tim, a Baptist evangelical Christian minister

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and Beverly LaHaye, a conservative public persona,

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wrote the Act of Marriage, The Beauty of Sexual love.

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It was kind of groundbreaking

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because it was one of the first times

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that a conservative religious couple

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talked about sexual love, pleasure, etc.

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It made sense that they did it thought

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because the 1960s and 1970s

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were marked by a progressive liberation of sexuality,

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a liberation from religious norms,

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including the sanctity of marriage

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or from marriage altogether.

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In fact, divorce rates

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started to seriously increase in the 1960s

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when legislation allowed no fault divorce,

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which means that if you don't like your partner anymore,

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you can divorce.

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It's totally okay.

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You don't have to show that you were abused,

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that your partner is violent or things like that.

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As conservative influencers, Tim and Beverly LaHaye

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thought it was important to

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jump on the trends and provides a Bible approved

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version of the sexual liberation

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full Christian married couples.

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That's what the act of love was meant for.

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On the Amazon page of the book,

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the authors brag that it saved many many marriages.

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That was the goal, and it kind of worked out.

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So do you see the parallels

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with Chapman's five Love Languages?

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Chapman's book was written in 1992 at a time

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where the management of the self started to become more

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and more popular, more and more mainstream.

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The book and the test that goes with it

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fit into that trend.

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It has a self-management component

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because there are meant to help

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you understand who you are as an individual,

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so that you can be a better partner,

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you can understand others

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and ensure that your relationships are long and fulfilling.

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Chapman like the LaHaye, are on a mission to ensure

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that couples stay together,

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that their marriages last,

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that the relationships turned into marriages

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because as conservatives,

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they want to preserve the nuclear family.

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In fact,

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when you look at the websites

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of the five love languages and more specifically

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the additions that came after the official book,

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well, there's nothing about queer love, queer people.

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It's all about heterosexual couples, kids, men,

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the military.

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Now, the concept of the five love

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languages is so popular, so mainstream

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now, that

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it is easy to forget its origins, to forget the real reason

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why it was written.

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We could even argue that we shouldn't care

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too much about its conservative genesis

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because there is nothing conservative

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about the five love languages,

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words of affirmation, quality time

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acts of services, receiving gifts or physical touch.

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It's just basic relationship, self-help, isn't it?

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Nah, I think we should still care about it

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and let me explain why.

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I think that understanding the reason

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why this concept was created help understand

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all the other wrong things about it.

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One of those things.

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Well, let's start with the most obvious one.

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The Universalism/Authority,

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almost of the five love languages.

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You know as Big Joel rightly pointed out in his video on the topic,

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there are more than five love languages

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and the belief that those exist

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as separate entities is wrong.

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Julie Goffman, who co-founded

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the Gottman Institute for, let me read it.

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Marriage and relationship research

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also says that she's not so sure that everybody

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has a primary language of affection.

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She argues,

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quote: “ Expressions of affection can vary in significance

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according to context.

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In some situations, an act of service

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or a word of affirmation

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will be especially meaningful to people

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even if they don't believe their love language

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to be either of these things, for example,

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and gifts folks can encounter moments in which

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a well-intentioned gesture feels inadequate.”

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I'll use myself as an example here.

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I did the five love languages test because I'm curious,

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it's part of the research.

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And let's say that after 10~20 questions,

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I start to realize that I kept clicking on the boxes

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with things like, quote:

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“I like when my partner help me out with a task” or, quote:

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“Do somethings that helps me relieved stress”

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and came to the conclusion that my love language

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is I need to hire a manager.

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The idea that we only function in this way or that way,

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or that we are this type of person

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and that type of person can prevent us from looking

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at how our social environment,

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looking at how this environment

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can impact, how we feel, what we need or who we are.

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Earlier, I mentioned this passage in the book

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where, let's see, Jessica

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goes above and beyond to

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thank Dan, her husband, for having put the garbage out.

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Well, that's it's, that's another example.

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Jessica is told that the problem is her,

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she does not understand her husband's love language.

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She's not told,

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however, that her husband

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should be helping around the house

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without expecting any form of reward

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or word of affirmation for that.

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The problem is not you, Jessica.

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The problem is your lazy husband

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who believe that it is okay

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for men to not help around the house,

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to not put the garbage out

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and let you do all the things by yourself.

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And no Karolyn, Chapman's wife,

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the fact that you enjoy when Chapman

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cleans the dishes shouldn't make

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you think that your love language is act of services.

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It's something that kids and adults

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have to learn at some point in their life.

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Using the love language is therefore using psychology

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and a study of the psyche,

265
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,570
avoids asking questions

266
00:08:57,570 --> 00:09:01,240
like “Why do women crave acts of service or gifts?”

267
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,709
“Why do men crave words of affirmation?”

268
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,411
Because we are conditioned to do so.

269
00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:06,712
In a patriarchal society,

270
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:09,415
men buy things for women, clothes,

271
00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:11,150
the restaurant, lingerie.

272
00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:12,552
Women tend to value that.

273
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,520
And on the other hand, men tend to value

274
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,890
when they get validated, when they feel needed.

275
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:18,491
Oh, yes.

276
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:20,826
you’re so strong and beautiful and sexy baby.

277
00:09:20,826 --> 00:09:23,996
Thank you so so much for putting the garbage out.

278
00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:25,097
Now, another big problem

279
00:09:25,097 --> 00:09:26,432
I see that is kind of connected

280
00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:28,601
to what we have just said is that for me,

281
00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:32,038
the love languages prevent us from actually experiencing love.

282
00:09:32,038 --> 00:09:33,072
According to Chapman,

283
00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:35,074
it seems that's the way people experience

284
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,076
love is symptomatic of something else.

285
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,345
It seems that love cannot exist as it is.

286
00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:41,814
It has to be categorized. It has to be fixed.

287
00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:42,982
The reliance on the five

288
00:09:42,982 --> 00:09:43,816
love languages

289
00:09:43,816 --> 00:09:46,852
make it impossible to imagine love as a creative process,

290
00:09:46,852 --> 00:09:48,754
something that changing you.

291
00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:50,122
No, it must be this category

292
00:09:50,122 --> 00:09:52,692
and you have to act according to that or no,

293
00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:53,826
it must be this

294
00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:54,860
Even to my childhood

295
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:57,229
that kind of triggered this sort of attachment style

296
00:09:57,229 --> 00:09:59,532
and the preference for this love language,

297
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:00,433
and that's it.

298
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,767
The fact that we can determine

299
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,203
our love language is reassuring for some people,

300
00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:07,406
It means that they exist as an individual.

301
00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:08,741
It's an identity label,

302
00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:10,142
It means that you are something

303
00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:12,311
you are a subject with desires and tastes.

304
00:10:12,311 --> 00:10:14,347
For me, that's why so many people are drawn to it

305
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,882
but the five love languages are an authority

306
00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:19,852
that turns subjectivity into something that is fixed,

307
00:10:19,852 --> 00:10:22,521
something that is predetermined, and you have to figure out

308
00:10:22,521 --> 00:10:26,359
Such view, can prevent individuals from envisioning love,

309
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,427
a relationship or a sexual encounter

310
00:10:28,427 --> 00:10:30,663
as something that creates subjectivity,

311
00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:32,398
something that makes you to future you,

312
00:10:32,398 --> 00:10:35,234
and that might contradict the person you thought you were.

313
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:35,968
So to sum it up,

314
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:37,303
before we conclude the video,

315
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:41,440
First, we said that the five love languages tend to psychology

316
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:42,742
and therefore de-politicize

317
00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:44,777
social realities like gender roles,

318
00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:47,513
gender expectations, and all the things like that.

319
00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:48,948
Second, love languages

320
00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:51,450
give the illusion of existing as an individual.

321
00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:52,685
This is my love language.

322
00:10:52,685 --> 00:10:54,453
This is not my love language.

323
00:10:54,453 --> 00:10:56,922
It adds density to one's life despite

324
00:10:56,922 --> 00:10:59,325
promoting a fixed type of subjectivity.

325
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,527
That's why the concept of the five love languages

326
00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:03,863
isn't transformative, but regulatory.

327
00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,097
It doesn't create love,

328
00:11:05,097 --> 00:11:08,601
It limited it by adding labels, by adding rules.

329
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,236
I mean, that's why I'm really very skeptical

330
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:13,406
of any theory of love, any philosophy of love.

331
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,441
As philosopher and sociologist’s,

332
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,843
Didier Eribon brilliantly said, quote,

333
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:20,112
“Any approach of love that establishes itself

334
00:11:20,112 --> 00:11:23,115
as definitive, totalizing risks to become,

335
00:11:23,115 --> 00:11:25,284
if not normative or prescriptive,

336
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:27,386
at least restrictive, limitative.”

337
00:11:27,386 --> 00:11:29,722
He adds that such an approach necessarily

338
00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:31,090
quote, “carries with it

339
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:32,291
a moral authority

340
00:11:32,291 --> 00:11:34,393
which relies on certain experiences

341
00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:37,029
presented as universal realities

342
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,699
and in that sense, it exclude other experiences

343
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,667
and the people that lift them.”

344
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,335
Feel free to pause and go back on that quote

345
00:11:43,335 --> 00:11:45,271
because there's a lot of information in it

346
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:48,674
Eribon’s criticism here isn't about the five languages,

347
00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:50,042
it's about psychoanalysis,

348
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,877
a field of research that was popularized

349
00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:54,880
by Freud and later Lacan,

350
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,650
which gave birth to popular concepts like daddy issues,

351
00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:00,352
mommy issues, the oedipus complex.

352
00:12:00,352 --> 00:12:02,054
But I think it's interesting to connect the two

353
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:04,156
because like the five love languages

354
00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:06,559
psychoanalysis is rooted in a very,

355
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,095
very patriarchal vision of society.

356
00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:09,829
Because of that,

357
00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:12,865
it has historically pathologized homosexuality,

358
00:12:12,865 --> 00:12:16,368
transidentity as perversion, as what is not the norm.

359
00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:19,071
That's what Eribon is talking about when he says, quote:

360
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:22,341
“Certain experiences presented as universal realities.”

361
00:12:22,341 --> 00:12:24,710
He means heterosexuality, cisidentity,

362
00:12:24,710 --> 00:12:27,179
and then, quote: “that exclude others experiences

363
00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:28,614
and the people that lived them”,

364
00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:30,983
meaning homosexuality, transidentity.

365
00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:32,518
Now, it's true that the five love languages

366
00:12:32,518 --> 00:12:34,286
do not explicitly exclude people.

367
00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:35,955
And it’s true that's psychoanalysis

368
00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:38,991
was reappropriated by queer theorists.

369
00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:41,026
The most popular of them is Judith Butler,

370
00:12:41,026 --> 00:12:43,295
but still, as much as Eribon is kind of skeptical

371
00:12:43,295 --> 00:12:45,831
about the re appropriation of psychoanalysis,

372
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:48,067
I'm very skeptical that the five love languages

373
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:51,237
can be detached from their conservative history

374
00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:53,739
because of all the reasons I mentioned in this video.

375
00:12:53,739 --> 00:12:54,740
I'll conclude by saying

376
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:57,777
that love is beautiful when it transcends categorization,

377
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,479
when the subject is open to the unknown,

378
00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:02,815
when it accepts, that it can always surprise itself,

379
00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:03,916
discover something new

380
00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:07,720
in terms of tastes, desires or sexuality even.

381
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,456
And to me, that can only happen if we look at ourselves

382
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:13,192
not just as an extension of our psyche,

383
00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:14,994
but also as social beings,

384
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:16,829
the product of the collective history

385
00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:19,632
that we can transform, that we must transform

386
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,167
to transform ourselves.

387
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:22,935
That's it for today, I hope you enjoyed it.

388
00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:24,570
As always, the conversation continues

389
00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:25,738
in the comments section.

390
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,673
I'm sorry if the sound quality wasn't the best.

391
00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:29,275
It's kind of windy here,

392
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:30,743
but I still wanted to film outside.

393
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:31,076
Of course.

394
00:13:31,076 --> 00:13:34,213
Don't forget to like, to subscribe, if it's not already done.

395
00:13:34,213 --> 00:13:36,248
I would like to thank my patreons for their supports

396
00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:38,284
and a special thank to top tiers patreons.

397
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:51,931
Before I leave,

398
00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:54,700
I need to talk to you about today's sponsor Squarespace

[Tymoty]

Pak jsem si to předělal do tabulky, zde ji vkládám ve formátu cé es vé:

1,"00:00:00,033 --> 00:00:02,802",This story sponsored by Squarespace.
2,"00:00:02,802 --> 00:00:04,104",Is it more meaningful to you
3,"00:00:04,104 --> 00:00:07,674","when you receive a note, a text or a special email"
4,"00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:11,344",without any reason from your loved one when you to hug?
5,"00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:12,212",Is it more meaningful
6,"00:00:12,212 --> 00:00:14,681","when you get to spend unlimited time with your partner,"
7,"00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,649",or is it more meaningful when your partner
8,"00:00:16,649 --> 00:00:18,818",does something practical to help out?
9,"00:00:18,818 --> 00:00:20,320",These are the questions that you'll find
10,"00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:22,455",in the Five Love Languages test.
11,"00:00:22,455 --> 00:00:24,557",I did it online. It's available. It's free.
12,"00:00:24,557 --> 00:00:27,460","The test is inspired by Dr Chapman’s bestseller,"
13,"00:00:27,460 --> 00:00:28,762",which has the same name
14,"00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:30,463","before becoming a bestselling author,"
15,"00:00:30,463 --> 00:00:33,133","Chapman advised couples, families"
16,"00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:35,035",in the Baptist Church he belonged to.
17,"00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:38,705","The life stories, the anecdotes he collected served as a basis"
18,"00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:41,141",to write his book to five love languages.
19,"00:00:41,141 --> 00:00:43,309",His goal with the book was to help couple
20,"00:00:43,309 --> 00:00:45,512",improve the quality of their relationship
21,"00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:47,080",by better understanding
22,"00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,049",what is their respective love languages:
23,"00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,285","words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts,"
24,"00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:54,654",acts of services or touch.
25,"00:00:54,654 --> 00:00:56,256",Chapman says that his book helped
26,"00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:59,759","save thousands of relationships, marriages,"
27,"00:00:59,759 --> 00:01:01,061",and it makes sense in a way.
28,"00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,595",The book encourages partners
29,"00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,364","to talk about their problems,"
30,"00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:05,498",talk about their frustrations
31,"00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:07,500",and potentially find solutions.
32,"00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:08,635",So that's all good you know.
33,"00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:11,104","I mean, it's worked so well that Chapman came up"
34,"00:01:11,104 --> 00:01:13,673","with new versions of the same concept,"
35,"00:01:13,673 --> 00:01:15,708","adapted for apologies, work,"
36,"00:01:15,708 --> 00:01:19,212","anger, for the family, friendships, and even the military."
37,"00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:21,815","But you know me, my haters know it very well,"
38,"00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:22,949","i can’t enjoy anything,"
39,"00:01:22,949 --> 00:01:26,086",i have to find something wrong about every single thing.
40,"00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,687","I mean, have you heard about this condition?"
41,"00:01:27,687 --> 00:01:30,023",I was told it's called critical thinking.
42,"00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:34,127","Yes, i have a lot of things to say about the five love languages,"
43,"00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:36,596","how they came to be, their shortcomings,"
44,"00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:37,997",and how their popularity
45,"00:01:37,997 --> 00:01:40,600","is representative of a very annoying trend,"
46,"00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:41,801",a very annoying tendency
47,"00:01:41,801 --> 00:01:43,603",to depoliticize
48,"00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,538","social realities, social problems"
49,"00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:47,640",into psychological problems.
50,"00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,309","But before we get to the nitty gritty of it,"
51,"00:01:49,309 --> 00:01:50,310",I would like to understand
52,"00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:53,279",why Chapman came up with such a concept.
53,"00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:56,483",Why did he feel the need to write the five Love languages?
54,"00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:57,550",Now you have to remember that
55,"00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:59,752","Chapman is a member of a Baptist church,"
56,"00:01:59,752 --> 00:02:01,020",he was in charge of counseling
57,"00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:02,989","people over their life problems,"
58,"00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:05,024","relationships problems, marriage problems,"
59,"00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:06,693",and that is a feature that is quite common
60,"00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:09,027","as most religion, most religious institutions."
61,"00:02:09,027 --> 00:02:09,828","As an example,"
62,"00:02:09,829 --> 00:02:12,632","if a religious couple's marriage isn't working very well,"
63,"00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:16,269","it is very common to go and see the pastor, the priest,"
64,"00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:18,638","the imam, the rabbi, and,"
65,"00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:20,907","you know, see guidance, ask for advice."
66,"00:02:20,907 --> 00:02:22,275","The institution of the church,"
67,"00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:24,477","no matter the religion, has historically been"
68,"00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:27,213","an institution of control, of regulation."
69,"00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:28,481","I mean, go ask my dad,"
70,"00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:29,983","he's over there actually,"
71,"00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,251",a very naughty kid
72,"00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:34,087","who was traumatized by the confessional sessions,"
73,"00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:34,754","you know, where"
74,"00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:36,156",he had to say to the priest
75,"00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,757","all the wrong things he had done,"
76,"00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:40,260",including lying to the very same priest
77,"00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:41,761",during the previous session.
78,"00:02:41,761 --> 00:02:42,829",He got traumatized by that
79,"00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,564",because he thought he would go to hell.
80,"00:02:44,564 --> 00:02:46,966","In fact, a lot of people like YouTube superstar"
81,"00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:49,802",Johnny Harris chose to leave religious institutions
82,"00:02:49,802 --> 00:02:50,637","because of that,"
83,"00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:52,472",and others less numerous
84,"00:02:52,472 --> 00:02:54,140",go to religious institutions
85,"00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:56,109","because they want to have that sort of guidance,"
86,"00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,978",they want to have this sort of imposed discipline.
87,"00:02:58,978 --> 00:03:00,780","Now, the goal of the religious institution"
88,"00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:03,416",is also to ensure the cohesion of the community.
89,"00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:05,652",That's why kids have to go to the confessional.
90,"00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:06,719",That's why
91,"00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:09,389",marriage problems have to be resolved at all costs.
92,"00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:10,290","In fact, in his book,"
93,"00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:11,558",Chapman talks about the woman
94,"00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,126",who came into his office
95,"00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,494",frustrated that her husband
96,"00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:17,163",had been procrastinating on painting the bedroom.
97,"00:03:17,163 --> 00:03:17,564",Dr.
98,"00:03:17,564 --> 00:03:19,399","Chapman suggested, quote:"
99,"00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:21,834","“The next time your husband does anything good,"
100,"00:03:21,834 --> 00:03:24,037",give him a verbal compliment.
101,"00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:27,073","If he takes the garbage out, say, quote: ‘Dan"
102,"00:03:27,073 --> 00:03:29,142",I want you to know that I really appreciate
103,"00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:30,810",your taking the garbage out’ ”
104,"00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:31,844",end of the quote.
105,"00:03:31,844 --> 00:03:33,179","Three weeks later,"
106,"00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:35,014",she returned to the office super happy because
107,"00:03:35,014 --> 00:03:36,282", the plan had worked out.
108,"00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:38,718",Chapman made her realize that her husband's love
109,"00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:41,588",language is words of affirmation.
110,"00:03:41,654 --> 00:03:43,323","But this is a bit weird, isn't it?"
111,"00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:45,525","I mean, going above and beyond to thank your husband"
112,"00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:47,260",for having put the garbage out.
113,"00:03:47,260 --> 00:03:49,362","Like, do you agree that putting the garbage out"
114,"00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:52,031",is a normal thing to do for an adult person?
115,"00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:54,167","You see, that's where I started to wonder,"
116,"00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:56,769",who is Chapman targeting with this book?
117,"00:03:56,769 --> 00:03:58,805","Why are all the people talking about the book,"
118,"00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:01,207","commenting about the book, saying how it changed their lives?"
119,"00:04:01,207 --> 00:04:02,108",Women.
120,"00:04:02,108 --> 00:04:03,843","In fact, when I was researching for this video,"
121,"00:04:03,843 --> 00:04:05,445",I kept on thinking about another book
122,"00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:05,945",that I found
123,"00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:07,313",when I was researching for my
124,"00:04:07,313 --> 00:04:09,515","book, also written by a religious couple,"
125,"00:04:09,515 --> 00:04:10,883",the Lahaye couple.
126,"00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:12,218","In 1976,"
127,"00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:14,821","Tim, a Baptist evangelical Christian minister"
128,"00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:17,656","and Beverly LaHaye, a conservative public persona,"
129,"00:04:17,656 --> 00:04:21,260","wrote the Act of Marriage, The Beauty of Sexual love."
130,"00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,362",It was kind of groundbreaking
131,"00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:24,264",because it was one of the first times
132,"00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,367",that a conservative religious couple
133,"00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:30,169","talked about sexual love, pleasure, etc."
134,"00:04:30,169 --> 00:04:31,771",It made sense that they did it thought
135,"00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:34,440",because the 1960s and 1970s
136,"00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,677","were marked by a progressive liberation of sexuality,"
137,"00:04:37,710 --> 00:04:39,679"," a liberation from religious norms,"
138,"00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:41,147",including the sanctity of marriage
139,"00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:42,582",or from marriage altogether.
140,"00:04:42,582 --> 00:04:43,783","In fact, divorce rates"
141,"00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,519",started to seriously increase in the 1960s
142,"00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:49,289","when legislation allowed no fault divorce,"
143,"00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,224","which means that if you don't like your partner anymore,"
144,"00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:51,991",you can divorce.
145,"00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:52,892",It's totally okay.
146,"00:04:52,892 --> 00:04:55,561","You don't have to show that you were abused,"
147,"00:04:55,561 --> 00:04:57,497",that your partner is violent or things like that.
148,"00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:59,999","As conservative influencers, Tim and Beverly LaHaye"
149,"00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:01,701",thought it was important to
150,"00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:04,604",jump on the trends and provides a Bible approved
151,"00:05:04,604 --> 00:05:06,606",version of the sexual liberation
152,"00:05:06,606 --> 00:05:08,341",full Christian married couples.
153,"00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,610",That's what the act of love was meant for.
154,"00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,278","On the Amazon page of the book,"
155,"00:05:12,278 --> 00:05:15,081",the authors brag that it saved many many marriages.
156,"00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:16,949","That was the goal, and it kind of worked out."
157,"00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:18,051",So do you see the parallels
158,"00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:20,119",with Chapman's five Love Languages?
159,"00:05:20,119 --> 00:05:22,922",Chapman's book was written in 1992 at a time
160,"00:05:22,922 --> 00:05:25,425",where the management of the self started to become more
161,"00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:27,360","and more popular, more and more mainstream."
162,"00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,462",The book and the test that goes with it
163,"00:05:29,462 --> 00:05:30,530",fit into that trend.
164,"00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:32,332",It has a self-management component
165,"00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,000",because there are meant to help
166,"00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,402","you understand who you are as an individual,"
167,"00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:38,171","so that you can be a better partner,"
168,"00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,439",you can understand others
169,"00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:43,443",and ensure that your relationships are long and fulfilling.
170,"00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:45,978","Chapman like the LaHaye, are on a mission to ensure"
171,"00:05:45,978 --> 00:05:47,413","that couples stay together,"
172,"00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:48,681","that their marriages last,"
173,"00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:50,950",that the relationships turned into marriages
174,"00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:52,785","because as conservatives,"
175,"00:05:52,785 --> 00:05:54,620",they want to preserve the nuclear family.
176,"00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:54,954","In fact,"
177,"00:05:54,954 --> 00:05:56,055",when you look at the websites
178,"00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:58,791",of the five love languages and more specifically
179,"00:05:58,791 --> 00:06:01,461","the additions that came after the official book,"
180,"00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:03,963","well, there's nothing about queer love, queer people."
181,"00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:06,399","It's all about heterosexual couples, kids, men,"
182,"00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:07,467",the military.
183,"00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:08,835","Now, the concept of the five love"
184,"00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:11,237","languages is so popular, so mainstream"
185,"00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:12,238","now, that"
186,"00:06:12,238 --> 00:06:15,742","it is easy to forget its origins, to forget the real reason"
187,"00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:16,909",why it was written.
188,"00:06:16,909 --> 00:06:18,878",We could even argue that we shouldn't care
189,"00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:20,880",too much about its conservative genesis
190,"00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,682",because there is nothing conservative
191,"00:06:22,682 --> 00:06:24,417","about the five love languages,"
192,"00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:26,586","words of affirmation, quality time"
193,"00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:29,822","acts of services, receiving gifts or physical touch."
194,"00:06:29,822 --> 00:06:33,760","It's just basic relationship, self-help, isn't it?"
195,"00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:35,762","Nah, I think we should still care about it"
196,"00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:36,929",and let me explain why.
197,"00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:38,331",I think that understanding the reason
198,"00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:41,367",why this concept was created help understand
199,"00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,369",all the other wrong things about it.
200,"00:06:43,369 --> 00:06:44,370",One of those things.
201,"00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:46,139","Well, let's start with the most obvious one."
202,"00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:48,574","The Universalism/Authority,"
203,"00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:50,543",almost of the five love languages.
204,"00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:53,980","You know as Big Joel rightly pointed out in his video on the topic,"
205,"00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:55,681",there are more than five love languages
206,"00:06:55,681 --> 00:06:57,183",and the belief that those exist
207,"00:06:57,183 --> 00:06:59,152",as separate entities is wrong.
208,"00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:00,753","Julie Goffman, who co-founded"
209,"00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:04,524","the Gottman Institute for, let me read it."
210,"00:07:04,524 --> 00:07:06,192",Marriage and relationship research
211,"00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:09,262",also says that she's not so sure that everybody
212,"00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,697",has a primary language of affection.
213,"00:07:11,697 --> 00:07:12,665","She argues,"
214,"00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:15,468",quote: “ Expressions of affection can vary in significance
215,"00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:16,669",according to context.
216,"00:07:16,669 --> 00:07:18,905","In some situations, an act of service"
217,"00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:20,339",or a word of affirmation
218,"00:07:20,339 --> 00:07:22,375",will be especially meaningful to people
219,"00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,210",even if they don't believe their love language
220,"00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:26,078","to be either of these things, for example,"
221,"00:07:26,078 --> 00:07:28,881",and gifts folks can encounter moments in which
222,"00:07:28,881 --> 00:07:31,484",a well-intentioned gesture feels inadequate.”
223,"00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:33,152",I'll use myself as an example here.
224,"00:07:33,152 --> 00:07:37,223","I did the five love languages test because I'm curious,"
225,"00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:38,524",it's part of the research.
226,"00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:40,993","And let's say that after 10~20 questions,"
227,"00:07:40,993 --> 00:07:43,262",I start to realize that I kept clicking on the boxes
228,"00:07:43,262 --> 00:07:44,464","with things like, quote:"
229,"00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,166","“I like when my partner help me out with a task” or, quote:"
230,"00:07:47,166 --> 00:07:49,569", “Do somethings that helps me relieved stress”
231,"00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:51,604",and came to the conclusion that my love language
232,"00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:53,406",is I need to hire a manager.
233,"00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:55,708","The idea that we only function in this way or that way,"
234,"00:07:55,708 --> 00:07:57,477",or that we are this type of person
235,"00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,846",and that type of person can prevent us from looking
236,"00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:01,414","at how our social environment,"
237,"00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,182",looking at how this environment
238,"00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:07,186","can impact, how we feel, what we need or who we are."
239,"00:08:07,186 --> 00:08:09,222","Earlier, I mentioned this passage in the book"
240,"00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:11,457","where, let's see, Jessica"
241,"00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:13,059",goes above and beyond to
242,"00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:15,928","thank Dan, her husband, for having put the garbage out."
243,"00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:17,997","Well, that's it's, that's another example."
244,"00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:20,399","Jessica is told that the problem is her,"
245,"00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:22,735",she does not understand her husband's love language.
246,"00:08:22,735 --> 00:08:23,536","She's not told,"
247,"00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:25,004","however, that her husband"
248,"00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,539",should be helping around the house
249,"00:08:26,539 --> 00:08:29,008",without expecting any form of reward
250,"00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,443",or word of affirmation for that.
251,"00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:31,978","The problem is not you, Jessica."
252,"00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:33,578",The problem is your lazy husband
253,"00:08:33,578 --> 00:08:35,280",who believe that it is okay
254,"00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,482","for men to not help around the house,"
255,"00:08:37,482 --> 00:08:39,084",to not put the garbage out
256,"00:08:39,085 --> 00:08:40,852",and let you do all the things by yourself.
257,"00:08:40,852 --> 00:08:42,821","And no Karolyn, Chapman's wife,"
258,"00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:44,757",the fact that you enjoy when Chapman
259,"00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:46,025",cleans the dishes shouldn't make
260,"00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,461",you think that your love language is act of services.
261,"00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:50,162",It's something that kids and adults
262,"00:08:50,162 --> 00:08:52,431",have to learn at some point in their life.
263,"00:08:52,431 --> 00:08:54,901",Using the love language is therefore using psychology
264,"00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:56,269","and a study of the psyche,"
265,"00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,570",avoids asking questions
266,"00:08:57,570 --> 00:09:01,240",like “Why do women crave acts of service or gifts?”
267,"00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,709",“Why do men crave words of affirmation?”
268,"00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,411",Because we are conditioned to do so.
269,"00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:06,712","In a patriarchal society,"
270,"00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:09,415","men buy things for women, clothes,"
271,"00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:11,150","the restaurant, lingerie."
272,"00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:12,552",Women tend to value that.
273,"00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,520","And on the other hand, men tend to value"
274,"00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,890","when they get validated, when they feel needed."
275,"00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:18,491","Oh, yes."
276,"00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:20,826",you’re so strong and beautiful and sexy baby.
277,"00:09:20,826 --> 00:09:23,996",Thank you so so much for putting the garbage out.
278,"00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:25,097","Now, another big problem"
279,"00:09:25,097 --> 00:09:26,432",I see that is kind of connected
280,"00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:28,601","to what we have just said is that for me,"
281,"00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:32,038",the love languages prevent us from actually experiencing love.
282,"00:09:32,038 --> 00:09:33,072","According to Chapman,"
283,"00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:35,074",it seems that's the way people experience
284,"00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,076",love is symptomatic of something else.
285,"00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,345",It seems that love cannot exist as it is.
286,"00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:41,814",It has to be categorized. It has to be fixed.
287,"00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:42,982",The reliance on the five
288,"00:09:42,982 --> 00:09:43,816",love languages
289,"00:09:43,816 --> 00:09:46,852","make it impossible to imagine love as a creative process,"
290,"00:09:46,852 --> 00:09:48,754",something that changing you.
291,"00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:50,122","No, it must be this category"
292,"00:09:50,122 --> 00:09:52,692","and you have to act according to that or no,"
293,"00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:53,826",it must be this
294,"00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:54,860",Even to my childhood
295,"00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:57,229",that kind of triggered this sort of attachment style
296,"00:09:57,229 --> 00:09:59,532","and the preference for this love language,"
297,"00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:00,433",and that's it.
298,"00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,767",The fact that we can determine
299,"00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,203","our love language is reassuring for some people,"
300,"00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:07,406",It means that they exist as an individual.
301,"00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:08,741","It's an identity label,"
302,"00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:10,142",It means that you are something
303,"00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:12,311",you are a subject with desires and tastes.
304,"00:10:12,311 --> 00:10:14,347","For me, that's why so many people are drawn to it"
305,"00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,882",but the five love languages are an authority
306,"00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:19,852","that turns subjectivity into something that is fixed,"
307,"00:10:19,852 --> 00:10:22,521","something that is predetermined, and you have to figure out"
308,"00:10:22,521 --> 00:10:26,359","Such view, can prevent individuals from envisioning love,"
309,"00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,427",a relationship or a sexual encounter
310,"00:10:28,427 --> 00:10:30,663","as something that creates subjectivity,"
311,"00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:32,398","something that makes you to future you,"
312,"00:10:32,398 --> 00:10:35,234",and that might contradict the person you thought you were.
313,"00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:35,968","So to sum it up,"
314,"00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:37,303","before we conclude the video,"
315,"00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:41,440","First, we said that the five love languages tend to psychology"
316,"00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:42,742",and therefore de-politicize
317,"00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:44,777","social realities like gender roles,"
318,"00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:47,513","gender expectations, and all the things like that."
319,"00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:48,948","Second, love languages"
320,"00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:51,450",give the illusion of existing as an individual.
321,"00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:52,685",This is my love language.
322,"00:10:52,685 --> 00:10:54,453",This is not my love language.
323,"00:10:54,453 --> 00:10:56,922",It adds density to one's life despite
324,"00:10:56,922 --> 00:10:59,325",promoting a fixed type of subjectivity.
325,"00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,527",That's why the concept of the five love languages
326,"00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:03,863","isn't transformative, but regulatory."
327,"00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,097","It doesn't create love,"
328,"00:11:05,097 --> 00:11:08,601","It limited it by adding labels, by adding rules."
329,"00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,236","I mean, that's why I'm really very skeptical"
330,"00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:13,406","of any theory of love, any philosophy of love."
331,"00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,441","As philosopher and sociologist’s,"
332,"00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,843","Didier Eribon brilliantly said, quote,"
333,"00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:20,112",“Any approach of love that establishes itself
334,"00:11:20,112 --> 00:11:23,115","as definitive, totalizing risks to become,"
335,"00:11:23,115 --> 00:11:25,284","if not normative or prescriptive,"
336,"00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:27,386","at least restrictive, limitative.”"
337,"00:11:27,386 --> 00:11:29,722",He adds that such an approach necessarily
338,"00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:31,090","quote, “carries with it"
339,"00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:32,291",a moral authority
340,"00:11:32,291 --> 00:11:34,393",which relies on certain experiences
341,"00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:37,029",presented as universal realities
342,"00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,699","and in that sense, it exclude other experiences"
343,"00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,667",and the people that lift them.”
344,"00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,335",Feel free to pause and go back on that quote
345,"00:11:43,335 --> 00:11:45,271",because there's a lot of information in it
346,"00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:48,674","Eribon’s criticism here isn't about the five languages,"
347,"00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:50,042","it's about psychoanalysis,"
348,"00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,877",a field of research that was popularized
349,"00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:54,880","by Freud and later Lacan,"
350,"00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,650","which gave birth to popular concepts like daddy issues,"
351,"00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:00,352","mommy issues, the oedipus complex."
352,"00:12:00,352 --> 00:12:02,054",But I think it's interesting to connect the two
353,"00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:04,156",because like the five love languages
354,"00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:06,559","psychoanalysis is rooted in a very,"
355,"00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,095",very patriarchal vision of society.
356,"00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:09,829","Because of that,"
357,"00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:12,865","it has historically pathologized homosexuality,"
358,"00:12:12,865 --> 00:12:16,368","transidentity as perversion, as what is not the norm."
359,"00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:19,071","That's what Eribon is talking about when he says, quote:"
360,"00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:22,341",“Certain experiences presented as universal realities.”
361,"00:12:22,341 --> 00:12:24,710","He means heterosexuality, cisidentity,"
362,"00:12:24,710 --> 00:12:27,179","and then, quote: “that exclude others experiences"
363,"00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:28,614","and the people that lived them”,"
364,"00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:30,983","meaning homosexuality, transidentity."
365,"00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:32,518","Now, it's true that the five love languages"
366,"00:12:32,518 --> 00:12:34,286",do not explicitly exclude people.
367,"00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:35,955",And it’s true that's psychoanalysis
368,"00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:38,991",was reappropriated by queer theorists.
369,"00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:41,026","The most popular of them is Judith Butler,"
370,"00:12:41,026 --> 00:12:43,295","but still, as much as Eribon is kind of skeptical"
371,"00:12:43,295 --> 00:12:45,831","about the re appropriation of psychoanalysis,"
372,"00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:48,067",I'm very skeptical that the five love languages
373,"00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:51,237",can be detached from their conservative history
374,"00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:53,739",because of all the reasons I mentioned in this video.
375,"00:12:53,739 --> 00:12:54,740",I'll conclude by saying
376,"00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:57,777","that love is beautiful when it transcends categorization,"
377,"00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,479","when the subject is open to the unknown,"
378,"00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:02,815","when it accepts, that it can always surprise itself,"
379,"00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:03,916",discover something new
380,"00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:07,720","in terms of tastes, desires or sexuality even."
381,"00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,456","And to me, that can only happen if we look at ourselves"
382,"00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:13,192","not just as an extension of our psyche,"
383,"00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:14,994","but also as social beings,"
384,"00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:16,829",the product of the collective history
385,"00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:19,632","that we can transform, that we must transform"
386,"00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,167",to transform ourselves.
387,"00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:22,935","That's it for today, I hope you enjoyed it."
388,"00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:24,570","As always, the conversation continues"
389,"00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:25,738",in the comments section.
390,"00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,673",I'm sorry if the sound quality wasn't the best.
391,"00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:29,275","It's kind of windy here,"
392,"00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:30,743",but I still wanted to film outside.
393,"00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:31,076",Of course.
394,"00:13:31,076 --> 00:13:34,213","Don't forget to like, to subscribe, if it's not already done."
395,"00:13:34,213 --> 00:13:36,248",I would like to thank my patreons for their supports
396,"00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:38,284",and a special thank to top tiers patreons.
397,"00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:51,931","Before I leave,"
398,"00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:54,700",I need to talk to you about today's sponsor Squarespace

[Tymoty]

Odbočka. Když to tak studuju, vidím tam větu, které nerozumím. Našel jsem i článek, odku Alice Kapela cituje: https://archive.li/gGABR.

A celý citát je takhle:

> In some situations, an act of service or a word of affirmation will be especially meaningful to people even if they don’t believe their love language to be either of those things, for example, and “gifts” folks can encounter moments in which a well-intentioned gesture feels inadequate.

Co znamená ten kus od 'for example' dále? Proč je tam 'and'? Asi tam má být jen jedno. Buď 'for example', nebo 'and'.

[Tymoty]

Zpět z odbočky. Tady je přepis po nějakém rychloeditování:

Is it more meaningful to you when you receive a note, a text or a special email without any reason from your loved one when you to hug? Is it more meaningful when you get to spend unlimited time with your partner, or is it more meaningful when your partner does something practical to help out? These are the questions that you'll find in the Five Love Languages test. I did it online. It's available. It's free.

The test is inspired by Dr Chapman’s bestseller, which has the same name before becoming a bestselling author, Chapman advised couples, families in the Baptist Church he belonged to. The life stories, the anecdotes he collected served as a basis to write his book to five love languages. His goal with the book was to help couple improve the quality of their relationship by better understanding what is their respective love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of services or touch.

Chapman says that his book helped save thousands of relationships, marriages, and it makes sense in a way. The book encourages partners to talk about their problems, talk about their frustrations and potentially find solutions. So that's all good you know. I mean, it's worked so well that Chapman came up with new versions of the same concept, adapted for apologies, work, anger, for the family, friendships, and even the military.

But you know me, my haters know it very well, i can’t enjoy anything, i have to find something wrong about every single thing. I mean, have you heard about this condition? I was told it's called critical thinking.

Yes, i have a lot of things to say about the five love languages, how they came to be, their shortcomings, and how their popularity is representative of a very annoying trend, a very annoying tendency to depoliticize social realities, social problems into psychological problems. But before we get to the nitty gritty of it, I would like to understand why Chapman came up with such a concept. Why did he feel the need to write the five Love languages?

Now you have to remember that Chapman is a member of a Baptist church, he was in charge of counseling people over their life problems, relationships problems, marriage problems, and that is a feature that is quite common as most religion, most religious institutions. As an example, if a religious couple's marriage isn't working very well, it is very common to go and see the pastor, the priest, the imam, the rabbi, and, you know, see guidance, ask for advice. The institution of the church, no matter the religion, has historically been an institution of control, of regulation.

I mean, go ask my dad, he's over there actually, a very naughty kid who was traumatized by the confessional sessions, you know, where he had to say to the priest all the wrong things he had done, including lying to the very same priest during the previous session. He got traumatized by that because he thought he would go to hell.

In fact, a lot of people like YouTube superstar Johnny Harris chose to leave religious institutions because of that, and others less numerous go to religious institutions because they want to have that sort of guidance, they want to have this sort of imposed discipline.

Now, the goal of the religious institution is also to ensure the cohesion of the community. That's why kids have to go to the confessional. That's why marriage problems have to be resolved at all costs.

In fact, in his book, Chapman talks about the woman who came into his office frustrated that her husband had been procrastinating on painting the bedroom. Dr. Chapman suggested, quote: “The next time your husband does anything good, give him a verbal compliment. If he takes the garbage out, say, quote: ‘Dan I want you to know that I really appreciate your taking the garbage out’ ” end of the quote. Three weeks later, she returned to the office super happy because the plan had worked out. Chapman made her realize that her husband's love language is words of affirmation.

But this is a bit weird, isn't it? I mean, going above and beyond to thank your husband for having put the garbage out. Like, do you agree that putting the garbage out is a normal thing to do for an adult person? You see, that's where I started to wonder, who is Chapman targeting with this book? Why are all the people talking about the book, commenting about the book, saying how it changed their lives? Women.

In fact, when I was researching for this video, I kept on thinking about another book that I found when I was researching for my book, also written by a religious couple, the Lahaye couple. In 1976, Tim, a Baptist evangelical Christian minister and Beverly LaHaye, a conservative public persona, wrote the Act of Marriage, The Beauty of Sexual love. It was kind of groundbreaking because it was one of the first times that a conservative religious couple talked about sexual love, pleasure, etc.

It made sense that they did it thought because the 1960s and 1970s were marked by a progressive liberation of sexuality, a liberation from religious norms, including the sanctity of marriage or from marriage altogether. In fact, divorce rates started to seriously increase in the 1960s when legislation allowed no fault divorce, which means that if you don't like your partner anymore, you can divorce. It's totally okay. You don't have to show that you were abused, that your partner is violent or things like that. As conservative influencers, Tim and Beverly LaHaye thought it was important to jump on the trends and provides a Bible approved version of the sexual liberation full Christian married couples. That's what the act of love was meant for. On the Amazon page of the book, the authors brag that it saved many many marriages. That was the goal, and it kind of worked out.

So do you see the parallels with Chapman's five Love Languages? Chapman's book was written in 1992 at a time where the management of the self started to become more and more popular, more and more mainstream. The book and the test that goes with it fit into that trend. It has a self-management component because there are meant to help you understand who you are as an individual, so that you can be a better partner, you can understand others and ensure that your relationships are long and fulfilling.

Chapman like the LaHaye, are on a mission to ensure that couples stay together, that their marriages last, that the relationships turned into marriages because as conservatives, they want to preserve the nuclear family. In fact, when you look at the websites of the five love languages and more specifically the additions that came after the official book, well, there's nothing about queer love, queer people. It's all about heterosexual couples, kids, men, the military.

Now, the concept of the five love languages is so popular, so mainstream now, that it is easy to forget its origins, to forget the real reason why it was written. We could even argue that we shouldn't care too much about its conservative genesis because there is nothing conservative about the five love languages, words of affirmation, quality time acts of services, receiving gifts or physical touch. It's just basic relationship, self-help, isn't it?

Nah, I think we should still care about it and let me explain why. I think that understanding the reason why this concept was created help understand all the other wrong things about it.

One of those things. Well, let's start with the most obvious one. The Universalism/Authority, almost of the five love languages. You know as Big Joel rightly pointed out in his video on the topic, there are more than five love languages and the belief that those exist as separate entities is wrong. Julie Goffman, who co-founded the Gottman Institute for Marriage and Relationship Research, also says that she's not so sure that everybody has a primary language of affection. She argues, quote: “ Expressions of affection can vary in significance according to context. In some situations, an act of service or a word of affirmation will be especially meaningful to people even if they don't believe their love language to be either of these things, for example, and gifts folks can encounter moments in which a well-intentioned gesture feels inadequate.”

I'll use myself as an example here. I did the five love languages test because I'm curious, it's part of the research. And let's say that after 10~20 questions, I start to realize that I kept clicking on the boxes with things like, quote: “I like when my partner help me out with a task” or, quote: “Do somethings that helps me relieved stress” and came to the conclusion that my love language is I need to hire a manager.

The idea that we only function in this way or that way, or that we are this type of person and that type of person can prevent us from looking at how our social environment, looking at how this environment can impact, how we feel, what we need or who we are.

Earlier, I mentioned this passage in the book where, let's see, Jessica goes above and beyond to thank Dan, her husband, for having put the garbage out. Well, that's it's, that's another example. Jessica is told that the problem is her, she does not understand her husband's love language. She's not told, however, that her husband should be helping around the house without expecting any form of reward or word of affirmation for that. The problem is not you, Jessica. The problem is your lazy husband who believe that it is okay for men to not help around the house, to not put the garbage out and let you do all the things by yourself.

And no Karolyn, Chapman's wife, the fact that you enjoy when Chapman cleans the dishes shouldn't make you think that your love language is act of services. It's something that kids and adults have to learn at some point in their life. Using the love language is therefore using psychology and a study of the psyche, avoids asking questions like “Why do women crave acts of service or gifts?” “Why do men crave words of affirmation?” Because we are conditioned to do so.

In a patriarchal society, men buy things for women, clothes, the restaurant, lingerie. Women tend to value that. And on the other hand, men tend to value when they get validated, when they feel needed. Oh, yes. you’re so strong and beautiful and sexy baby. Thank you so so much for putting the garbage out.

Now, another big problem I see that is kind of connected to what we have just said is that for me, the love languages prevent us from actually experiencing love. According to Chapman, it seems that's the way people experience love is symptomatic of something else. It seems that love cannot exist as it is. It has to be categorized. It has to be fixed.

The reliance on the five love languages make it impossible to imagine love as a creative process, something that changing you. No, it must be this category and you have to act according to that or no, it must be this event to my childhood that kind of triggered this sort of attachment style and the preference for this love language, and that's it.

The fact that we can determine our love language is reassuring for some people, It means that they exist as an individual. It's an identity label, It means that you are something you are a subject with desires and tastes. For me, that's why so many people are drawn to it but the five love languages are an authority that turns subjectivity into something that is fixed, something that is predetermined, and you have to figure out.

Such view, can prevent individuals from envisioning love, a relationship or a sexual encounter as something that creates subjectivity, something that makes you to future you, and that might contradict the person you thought you were.

So to sum it up, before we conclude the video, First, we said that the five love languages tend to psychology and therefore de-politicize social realities like gender roles, gender expectations, and all the things like that.

Second, love languages give the illusion of existing as an individual. This is my love language. This is not my love language. It adds density to one's life despite promoting a fixed type of subjectivity. That's why the concept of the five love languages isn't transformative, but regulatory. It doesn't create love, It limited it by adding labels, by adding rules.

I mean, that's why I'm really very skeptical of any theory of love, any philosophy of love. As philosopher and sociologist’s, Didier Eribon brilliantly said, quote, “Any approach of love that establishes itself as definitive, totalizing risks to become, if not normative or prescriptive, at least restrictive, limitative.” He adds that such an approach necessarily quote, “carries with it a moral authority which relies on certain experiences presented as universal realities and in that sense, it exclude other experiences and the people that lift them.”

Feel free to pause and go back on that quote because there's a lot of information in it. Eribon’s criticism here isn't about the five languages, it's about psychoanalysis, a field of research that was popularized by Freud and later Lacan, which gave birth to popular concepts like daddy issues, mommy issues, the oedipus complex.

But I think it's interesting to connect the two because like the five love languages psychoanalysis is rooted in a very, very patriarchal vision of society. Because of that, it has historically pathologized homosexuality, transidentity as perversion, as what is not the norm. That's what Eribon is talking about when he says, quote: “Certain experiences presented as universal realities.” He means heterosexuality, cis identity, and then, quote: “that exclude others experiences and the people that lived them”, meaning homosexuality, trans identity.

Now, it's true that the five love languages do not explicitly exclude people. And it’s true that's psychoanalysis was reappropriated by queer theorists. The most popular of them is Judith Butler, but still, as much as Eribon is kind of skeptical about the re appropriation of psychoanalysis, I'm very skeptical that the five love languages can be detached from their conservative history because of all the reasons I mentioned in this video.

I'll conclude by saying that love is beautiful when it transcends categorization, when the subject is open to the unknown, when it accepts, that it can always surprise itself, discover something new in terms of tastes, desires or sexuality even. And to me, that can only happen if we look at ourselves not just as an extension of our psyche, but also as social beings, the product of the collective history that we can transform, that we must transform to transform ourselves.

That's it for today, I hope you enjoyed it. As always, the conversation continues in the comments section.

Konec přepisu.

[Tymoty]

Tohle témá je špatně nadepsané. Mají tam být dvě el: "Alice Capelle". Navazuju novým tématem s dvěma el: https://trojkatretiho.cz/viewtopic.php?p=153#p153.

[VoVes]

to je celkem zajímavý, pět řečí lásky jsem praktikovával, tedy jen některé a asi zrovna ty špatné.
do češtiny to, Josefe, taky umíš, ???